“Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older, or 18% of the population. (Source: National Institute of Mental Health). Also, “Anxiety and depression are treatable, but 80 percent of kids with a diagnosable anxiety disorder and 60 percent of kids with diagnosable depression are not getting treatment”, according to the 2015 Child Mind Institute Children’s Mental Health Report. And here’s the kicker, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, anxiety disorders affect 25 percent of all teens and 30 percent of all teen girls.”
Earlier in the week, I attended an IEP (Individual Education Program: Special Ed) meeting for a Middle-School student who struggles with severe anxiety and related disorders. She simply does not want to attend school. As we began the conversation, it was clearly noted by a veteran Language Arts teacher the following: “What I see in my classroom today is unbelieveable; the number of kids who tell me about their anxiety or feeling overwhelmed, it’s everywhere!” I agree. Within my advocacy practice, anxiety and stress are common themes in almost every phone call I receive. Then again, I have direct experience with the classroom, and this locked in my understanding that today’s children are simply overwhelmed:
Two years ago, I taught full-time in a local Middle School as part of an experiment to learn what was it like within today’s schools and classrooms. And it was an extraordinary lesson: I immediately took notice that 80% of my students experienced anxiety-related symptoms including a sense of dread, over-whelmed, or organizational gaps creating worry [what is called “Executive Functioning”]; though only 25% of these students were identified as having Autism, ADHD, or Specific Learning Disabilities. The majority of these students were not formally diagnosed, though their behavior and impressions clearly were in alignment with anxiety and depression. In contrast, 20% of their classmates appeared to be well-balanced, relatively content, emotionally stable, and successful at school. This is such an extraordinary turn of events to what I experienced as a teacher 30 plus years ago. I clearly remember taking “Class Management” training back in the 80’s and the trainers emphasized the idea that “90% of your class are compliant, well-behaved and prepared to learn, when 10% are your target students with behavior issues” and our primary focus would be the 10% if we employed solid class management strategies. So what’s changed in a generation or two? Why did the behavior model flip so quickly to the point we have a whole new normal with so many of our students experiencing stress, worry, and executive function deficits?
Here’s how I see it:
Yes, the notion of over-protecting our kids has run rampant: Living within the context of never-ending pharmaceutical ads promoting one ailment after another, there is an excessive level of fear, founded upon one product endorsement after another being touted as “science”. As a result, we are called upon to be vigilent against: the flu, insect-borne blood diseases, germs, heart-disease, mental illness, and any other disease which could simply be prevented by taking a pill. It’s almost impossible for today’s parents to be free of the influence found within the extensive marketing barrage taking place today.
Also, we live in a endless stream of information being broadcast globally so events thousands of miles away are being felt within the comfort of our living rooms; based upon the 24/7 stream of catastrophy, disaster, and conflict. It makes sense to want to hunker-down and protect ourselves and our kids as the world appears to going to hell and a hand-basket; at least that’s what it appears like from the never-ending CNN, MSNBC, FOX news blast taking place everyday and all day. As a result, our natural fight or flight responses, which we are wired to do, are on constant emergency-alert.
Then, with the advent of cell phones, our kids are exposed to non-stop social media posts and adult-themed content and it’s not whwould have read in Seventeen Magazine back in the 80’s: fashion, music, and the latest movies. Within the context of first-amendment freedom of expression, our children are exposed to adult-theme content within a simple keyboard swipe and it’s a never-ending schmorgesborg of sarcasm, rumor, inuendo, and opinion. Over-whelming by any standard. In addition, the level of absolutely inappropriate content, including pornography, is a major part of this exposure. In fact, according to a recent NY Times article titled, Parenting in the Age of Online Pornography, “42 percent of online users between 10 and 17 had seen pornography and 66 percent had seen it unwittingly”.
So what can we do about this? For one, it appears to be a no-brainer when it comes to social media and internet access: Simply follow the money. Who pays for these devices, services, and related accounts? Parents. So when it comes to access, it’s really within the hands of the adults and how we help our kids with access and use. It’s like any other access issue: It’s best to help our kids with restrictive consumerism with a developing sense of responsibility rather than absolute free-range. It’s no different than donuts: Would it be good parenting to let our kids have unlimited access to a krispy-creme outlet with free-range 24/7? What would be the consequences? Same for social media – internet and cable access? What are the consequences for unmonitored technology access? According to McAfee internet security systems, “Many teens are accessing inappropriate online content, despite 73.5% of parents whom trust their teens to not access age-inappropriate content online.” Also, according to a BBC survey, “While 90% of the parents surveyed by the BBC in England said they had spoken to their children about staying safe online when using a tablet or a smartphone, most said they allowed their children to use them unsupervised.” As a result, the University of Minnesota writes in Teen Talk, Survival Guide for Parents of Teenagers, “Bullying and harassment, unmonitored social networking could provide a forum for messages that are indecent, demeaning, violent or racist, Inappropriate relationships, victimization, pornography, and financial risk; giving out personal or parents’ credit card, banking, or other financial information could lead to trouble.”
Then again, it’s not all about technology and restricting access. There is something else taking place: Consider something else all together: Imagine if sensitivity were an asset, a strength rather than a “disability”. For example:
How does one explain the idea of a “sixth sense” between mother and child, especially when there is distance between the two and a deep seeded “calling” is felt by the parent when the older child is needing support or may be in harm’s way? Have you ever experienced an emotional sense when a traumatic event happened within a group setting, and without words, you simply felt there was something that happened though it was all about a “feeling” and nothing was stated or shared, as if you were tapping into an intuitive understanding?
I believe many of our children today are also experiencing a deeper sense of connection between themselves and others. We might call it “intuition” or emotional sensitivity. I don’t see this as a disability. I see this as an asset. Especially, within a society that is evolving toward more complex social engagements with technology and global connections way beyond boundaries and borders. However, in its infancy, as a sixth sense for a younger child, it often plays out through sensory-overload and the feeling of being over-whelmed. When one has a deep level of empathy toward others, especially when it isn’t understood, the emotions associated with this level of perception may often result in unknown anxiety. When a highly sensitive child is exposed to others who are anxious, worried, stressed, or any other sense of aggitation, the empathic child may also feel these emotions as well.
Here again, we all can do something about this: First off, it’s imperative that we acknoweldge that many of our children are simply highly sensitive and empathic. This sensitivity goes way beyond the classic five senses, it also encroaches upon emotional sensitivity. As we influence our children, we need to take a reflective look at ourselves and our own emotions first and foremost. After doing so, we may need to change our own behaviors and reign in our own emotional response patterns. This is similar to making lifestyle changes, when one realizes our children are hyper-sensitive to allergens like peanuts or wheat. The difference here is that these lifestyle changes, such as mindful practices, meditative strategies, and breath-work, creating calm and ease within our selves and our environments, provides our children opportunity to be less-reactive to our emotions and aggitations. As a result, instead of creating triggers for our children, creating stress and worry, by mindfully employing self-regulation strategies ourselves, we are serving our children best through modeling as well as co-creating calmer environments.
So from my perspective, this epidemic pattern, based upon the general feeling of being over-whelmed and stressed, experienced by so many of our children, is a reaction calling us out to make major life-style changes including:
Monitor and supervise our kids and their environments including what they eat, watch, experience, and generally, are exposed to, both at home and at school. We live in the midst of a high technology society, moving at lightening speed, but we are still wired toward developmentally appropriate activities which includes social engagement, relationships, and fulfillment through meaningful connections. In many situations, “less is more” and by doing less, and being more at ease makes a world of difference for our kids as well as ourselves. One of the most interesting resources of I came across recently highlights “New Old Fashioned Parenting” by Liat Hughes Joshi, a book published out of Great Britain. She makes the following “less is more” recommendations:
Have higher but more realistic expectations of behaviour – most kids used to manage sitting for more than five minutes. However, three-hour concertos or whole days traipsing round Cistercian monasteries might be a bit much and is where the NOFP draws the line. [Expecting our kids to maintain themselves when “bored” is reasonable; they don’t have to be entertained every five minutes or less. Extending self-regulation skills are an essential part of the calming process].
Invest effort to teach life skills like cooking and cleaning – it’s quicker not to but they’ll need to look after themselves one day, plus it means extra pairs of hands around the house. [Rudimentary life skills, but more so, basic responsibilities, are essential learnings; it’s not all about taking karate, tennis, french or other extra curricular activities which support the whole child. These “chores” establish a frameworkk of appreciation and gratitude, which provide the foundation toward a meaning-centered lifestyle.]
Children do deserve to be heard and air views but you have decades more life experience; have confidence to make a final call when it matters. [Setting up the family political system with “parent veto” as the final call makes much more sense, and establishes boundaries and structures for the children to rely on. Its exhausting and aggitating for kids to negotiate everything.]
Teach manners and consideration – kids aren’t born with these and, again, it’s easier not to bother but worth it for everyone’s sake, including theirs. [Here again, this skill-set provides our children with a framework supporting appreciation and gratitude; manners are an important expression of this understanding.]
Parenting isn’t a popularity contest – sometimes the right way to go won’t make them like you but is in their best interests. [Effective parenting is guided by evidence-based decision making and neutrality, whereas, loving your child, is an emotional response guided by one’s feelings. Parenting and related decision-making and emotional presence are two different functions; when they cross-over, it may be confusing for our children.]
Watch out for the “easier life pitfall” – it’s simpler to say yes or ignore bad behaviour in the short term but stores up trouble for later on. [Many children are looking for the “cracks” in the decision-making / parenting process and negotiate from this perspective. This is also exhausting and often creates unnecessary stress for parents and children. So shoring this up, through consistency and structure, will serve the parent / child connection over the long-haul.]
Stop organising every minute of their lives – there won’t be a full programme of Kumon to karate when they leave home. Some unstructured playtime is as beneficial, if not more so, as all those extra-curricular activities. Plus it’s free. [Kids need to learn how to handle “down-time” as well as life’s business; in fact, down-time presents time to reflect, self-soothe, and move toward ease and stress-free time.]
Don’t turn into too much of a servant, short-order cook or full-time chauffeur – a more balanced family life is less exhausting for you and more alert parents make for a happier family. [SImply, stressed-out parents significantly impact stressed-out kids; the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree! One of greatest gifts we can offer our children is a more present form of ourselves; this is where mindfulness steps into the picture.]
Also, parents and teachers can implement mindful practices including meditation, yoga, and breath-work strategies at home and school to help our children develop self-resiliency skills as well as emotional wellness techniques. The notion of being in a race, falling behind, and being busy all the time is something that needs to be reigned in and closely balanced through calming strategies and self-awareness. Most notably, highly-sensitive children are grounded by support systems which include natural settings, relationship-based activities, and defined periods of stress-release within their day. A great set of resources related to “mindfulness” can be found online including books such as Mindful Parenting by Dr. Kristen Race. Her recommendations include:
Becoming aware of your breath [Nature’s best technique to slow it all down and bring calm to our day.]
Noticing your thoughts [It has been said many times and by many people: “We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves”. (Buddah) … and on the other end of the cultural spectrum: “Being alone & actually sitting with our own thoughts can lead to such growth and realizations that are rare in our everyday busy”. (Kourtney Kardashian)
Paying attention to sounds: [Compared to visual perception, audition is often perceived as a secondary or supplementary form of perception. However, when we focus on sounds, we may be taking a more focused step within awareness, and as a result, this may create a deeper sense of release from stress and worry.]
Focusing on sensations in your body: [By focusing on the somatic nervous system, featuring voluntary muscle movement, as well as the subtlities of the autonomic nervous system, guided by unconscious control, we often become more aware of ourselves, especially, how stress and worry, or calm and ease, impact our lives.]
Hiking mindfully: [Within the context of a complex technology-guided lifestyle; a walk in the park or in nature may provide the best form of medicine or relief.]
Dedicating time to be fully engaged and present with the people around you. [Ultimately, our ability to be present with those we love, fully engaged, may be the greatest gift we can offer. How often are our efforts to “do for others” misunderstood when all our loved ones really want is someone who “listens” and is fully present.]
So instead of looking at our children from the disability lens, or simply over-sensitive, we may actually be learning something from them. From my perspective, I see today’s children similar to Canaries in the Coal Mine; with extraordinary sensitivities toward their environment. And by doing so, I see that they are encouraging us to make significant lifestyle changes everyday through their behavior and actions. Most notably, by taking a conscious approach toward environment and technology as well as mindful practices toward emotional self-resiliency, our children will benefit from these efforts exponentially. What may today look like epidemic, when we see our children struggle with anxiety, depression, stress, and worry, it may actually be our natural survival system warning us that we need to take heed and slow things down.
As suggested, the Canary in the Coal Mine phenomenon may help us understand our children with more insight. And maybe, it will create revitalized changes how we navigate life and all it presents. However, the most important part of this reflection is founded upon how it makes us feel. I would hope that as you read this, you are able to create a shift: Moving from alarmed and worried to understanding and hopeful. Also, my intention here is to share ideas that allow us to move forward through a positive, strength-based approach with real suggestions in contrast to feeling despair, and hopelessness when it comes to our kids and their developement. I believe we are in the midst of an extraordinary transition. And our children, through their sensitivity. empathy, and the potential within, are leading us toward the promise land (figuratively, that is).
Thank you for spending time with me through this writing.
For more information, I can be reached at larrydavis@specialeducationadvocacy.org or www.specialeducationadvocacy.org
Blessings to one and all.
Larry