Helping our children make changes for their own good often feels like moving at a snails-pace and may resemble watching the Titanic for there are times when our kids need to literally sink before we see improvement. Adolescence by nature, presents a number of developmental challenges. Then again, within the context of today’s no holds-bared social media, limited role-models, excessive personal freedom without responsibility, and a political system gone ballistic, our teens appear to be struggling at a higher clip than ever before. Where-ever one looks, there are countless articles written about “bullying”, “drug use”, promiscuity”, “gang violence”, and other social maladies impacting our kids. However, yesterday, I was a witness to a remarkable transformation, demonstrated by a 13 year old young woman, and her family, and I know there are lessons in this story for others to access.
As an education advocate, Kelly was a typical 12 year old, and no different than many I meet on the special needs path; transitioning from elementary school to middle school with a number of challenges: ADHD, oppositional defiance, failing classes, and emotional outbursts. Living within a small agricultural town of less than 5000, there were few resources available to assist with their daughter. So Kelly’s parents looked outside of the box and also within their family for an intervention model. They came to the conclusion that their daughter needed something different and this would require them, as parents, to do something they never imagined: let go!
Kelly’s older sister lived far away in one of the largest urban cities in the Midwest. Not only was she trained as an educator with a Masters in Early Childhood Development, her lifestyle reflected something all together different from the rural farm town setting she came from: She was a yoga instructor, commuted by subway to and from work, ate a vegan diet, worked out daily at a fitness studio,and was a very strong-willed, independent young woman living on her own. After much deliberation and consideration, the family decided that Kelly would best make the transition from elementary school to middle school by moving in with her older sister and living life as a young adult in the big city.
According to Kelly’s mother, “Kelly knew the emotional and financial responsibility it took from everyone to make this work and be a positive experience”. In addition to being responsible for making her breakfast and lunch every day, getting to school on her own through public transportation, and generally, taking on personal responsibility for her own self as she navigated daily life. Her mother adds, “Kelly flew by herself for breaks and holidays [airplanes], learned the train and also had to learn her surroundings where she lived so she could independently know where to go. Kelly was responsible for organizing herself for school and chores around the apartment. She had to check in with the doorman every day after school, had to call every morning home to let someone know she was leaving the building for school and the school would notify her sister if she arrived late.” There was an extraordinary level of personal accountability in conjunction with personal freedom. Notably, her sister made sure that her younger sibling was unable to access social media and all internet activity was directly monitored and never available without supervision.
Of course, there is much more to this story for I am not doing this justice due to the extraordinary details which have been left out, however, I believe we can all learn from this parenting model as is: Sometimes we need to trust ourselves, our intuitive guidance, and have faith by letting go. Also, there are lifestyle changes within our own lives which need to be employed before we can expect to see changes in our children such as diet, exercise, and media use.
So when we met yesterday for an evaluation meeting determining eligibility for specially designed instruction and an IEP (individual education plan); I was sure we would be rolling over what had been done in the past and continue services “as is”. Well, was I ever surprised! Clearly, the conversation highlighted a much different version of Kelly than what was previously discussed over a year ago. For her teachers went into detail about “her excellent engagement during class”, “brings forth a great attitude everyday”, and “presents excellent organization skills; an outstanding role model for others”. In addition, when Kelly is asked to participate in cooperative learning activities, her teachers stated that she seeks out some of the most capable students if she is given an opportunity to self-select groups. In addition, her overall skills, in reading and math, have improved so much, that she is not able to qualify for specially designed instruction in these core skill areas. It appears that the tutoring, in math, writing, and speech, significantly impacted Kelly’s skill acquisition during the year away. We were all so ecstatic to hear the classroom reports as well as review the assessments. Following the meeting, her mother wrote me and stated, “It was nice to hear that she actually has put her experiences into her old environment that once consumed her well being, and she has become a stronger person for it. I feel truly blessed that she had a sister strong enough and so amazing to put her life on hold and help her little sister grow emotionally, culturally and educationally through this experience!”
Absolutely, very few are able to access the resources which Kelly’s family tapped into including an older sibling with such extraordinary compassion, determination and skill sets. However, we all have the ability to take major strides in support of our kids and sometimes, the most impressive, are the steps which cause lifestyle changes, In the case of Kelly’s parents, they had to truly let their daughter go, and trust their intuition. As a result, it worked. And Kelly is someone so much closer to her potential and promise than being another member of the “troubled youth” crowd.
Things to consider:
How can you “let go” and what can you give up for the sake of your child’s growth and development?
In what ways have you already thought outside of the box for your children’s best interest but have not put into play?
May Kelly’s story inspire you toward something remarkable. For the answer to many of life’s struggles is found within.
Best Wishes
Larry @ specialeducationadvocacy.org