fear [fir/] noun: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
In the context of Special Education and related intervention meetings, both sides of the table may be bringing emotional luggage to the table and this is what creates a sense of division, separation, or in some cases, adversarial relationships.
As I walk an extraordinary path as an Education Advocate, working with parents all across the country, there is a common thread which holds truth within all communities and social demographic groups; many parents are worried about their children’s future once a diagnosis or disability is identified. Sometimes, this level of fear moves through a loss and grief process associated with trauma and emotional heart-ache. As a result, there may be an intensity or a deep sense of desperation within the hearts and minds brought forth to these important meetings. Often, I find that it is very difficult for parents, moving through these dark and troubling emotions, to open one’s heart leading toward collaboration and partnership for fear has a tendency to create separation from one another.
We are all one. Only egos, beliefs, and fear separate us. (anonymous)
On the other end of the table, fear and worry are are not unfamiliar. Too many times, teachers and staff members bring their own concerns to these conversations as well. For example:
Teachers: Within the context of increasing class size, diminishing resources, high-stakes testing, and an epidemic level of behavior-related disorders within their classroom, many feel over-whelmed and worried about being able to meet the needs of their students.
District Staff: As the number of identified of special needs students continues to increase, the funding for the much-needed services often falls short. As a result, Special Education administrators are being called upon to do more, with less. As a result, this translates into fear of another student pushing the envelop toward ineffectiveness and non-compliant performance or just not meeting budget guidelines.
So what do we do? How can we build a bridge leading toward true collaboration, partnership, and creative intervention?
“So let us not be blind to our differences, but let us also direct attention to our common interests and the means by which those differences can be resolved. And if we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity. For in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children’s futures. And we are all mortal.” ~ John F Kennedy
When we begin to see common interests and develop a new sense of mutual understanding between parents and staff, we start a new process of creativity and innovation like never before. In many cases, a new-found level of inspiration and collaboration, is all it takes to create success programming for our children. However, there needs to be an investment of time spent understanding the others position. In these matters, when we are addressing student needs through the IEP or 504 Plan process, school personnel will need to spend more time listening to the concerns, worries, and dreams of their students’ parents, rather than focusing on paper-work, deadlines, and compliance guidelines alone. It’s a matter of opening our hearts to one another first and foremost before we get lost in our heads. Specifically, I strongly recommend that teachers and staff informally meet with parents before the official IEP or 504 Meetings, and listen to the concerns presented by the parents.
From the parent’s perspective, I highly recommend understanding the limitations & frustrations teachers feel every day within their classroom for we have created a scenario where society is expecting unrealistic outcomes from our teachers but we do not provide them the resources, like professional development, technology, nor peace of mind, to support this expectation. When the targets always move from year to year with each new curriculum, new reform movement, and ever-changing set of “standards”, teachers rarely feel confident in what they do, how they serve, and who they are, for the rules always change. One of the recommendations I make is to assure that when your child’s teacher(s) does something that is favorable, successful, and makes a difference for your child, tell them! Positive reinforcement works wonders!
However, to truly create mutual understanding across the table, both sides need to take time to reflect prior to meeting and ask oneself the following questions: “What am I afraid of when it comes to this meeting and how does fear present itself in this situation?” Most notably, “What does fear teach me about myself and how I can be the best I can be through this new insight?”. I know this presents an extraordinary undertaking of enlightenment and transformation. Nevertheless, this level of questioning and self-exploration plants a seed leading toward understanding.
“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” ― John Lennon
For more on this topic, I look forward to sharing my upcoming book, “Love, Understanding, and Other Best Practices” (a rewrite, second edition). And for more information on advocacy, and navigating the special needs path, you can find us at: www.specialeducationadvocacy.org.